This has got to be the worst Christmas for me...EVER! Not only have my wife and I NOT patched things up, my dad is sick...as in he's really scared kind of sick. This morning my mom was in tears. She was telling me that she found him crying last night. He hadn't slept at all last night and at 4 AM she heard him crying for his mom. He kept telling her that should anything happen to him to do certain things.

I HATE having my dad this way. He's my hero. I look up to the guy in every way and to have him so humanized scares me to death. My dad is not one to show many emotions. Partly because that's how he grew up, but also because he's old-school navy. When I grew up I only saw my dad emotional maybe no more than 3 or 4 times...if that! After he retired from the service is when I really got to know my dad. He's truly a man that cares for his family. He grew up poor in the Philippines and though we're by no means rich, he's truly the epitome of the American dream.

It really puts things in perspective for me. Now, more than ever, I have to think about what's really important. My family. I really have to patch things up with my wife. My negligence screwed up our lives and I need to fix that. I have to be there for my dad. I need to have my wife and son with me and not on bad terms. Without my family, I'm nothing...NOTHING!

This whole day I have been on edge, not knowing exactly how my dad is doing. He sounds okay, but my dad and I are a lot alike in that even though things are bothering us, we keep it to ourselves. That's the way he grew up and that's what I inherited from him. I know it's more than what he's saying. I know that he's scared. I know that he wants us all to be there with him. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and confused right now.

My nephew Joseph went for a checkup again at Oakland's Childrens' Medical Center. I haven't heard word from my sister what's going on. That's another thing! Everything is just crazy right now and I don't know what's heads or tails right now.

My heart's tugging at me to do it all, but I feel like I just can't do anything. I can't fix my marriage, I can't be there for my dad, I can't support my nephew. Right now I feel like I am in a world that nobody understands and I can't get out. I feel like I'm suffocating, like the air is getting thicker and I can't breath. I feel like someone kicked me in the nuts and nobody will help me.

I'm scared. I'm scared for my family. I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm trying to just go on and live.


'Cause I said so!

The wife is pissed. Rightly so, I guess. We lost our Christmas ornaments and other personal items to auction when we lost our storage. It's my fault. I didn't check it often enough. Yeah, it was an error on their part, but still, it's our storage, I should have been more vigilant. I kept meaning to get the stuff out and put it in my mom's and my mother-in-law's storage, but kept putting it off. So here we are, and I've ruined Christmas. My son has no tree, no lights, no ornaments, nothing. All because I got lazy or busy or whatever the case may be...and that breaks my heart. My wife says that I didn't find the things we kept in there important enough. I'm not about to argue, but I will say that they were important to me. I want my son's first Christmas to be special, and now it's not going to be.

I think this storage thing was just the tip of the iceberg. My wife has not been very happy lately and she makes that perfectly clear. She's not happy with her life right now. We live in a small place, we can't seem to keep it clean, we're barely making ends meet, and we're tired and stressed out from work. When you add the fact that we're only a year and a half into our marriage and we have a 10 month old son, who wouldn't explode like that? I know we're both trying our hardest, and I think a blow up was inevitable. We really need to sit down and talk.

I miss my wife. Not the person I have now. I miss the person I fell in love with and married. In a year and a half we went from being two separate people to being married and then being mom and dad and it happened too fast for us to adjust. We've settled into a routine that I know we both don't like. She comes home tired from work and her commute, I'm home stressed from work and then we have to put on our parent hats. She snaps at me sometimes. I snap at her sometimes. And that's wrong. I'm not complaining. I love my life. I love coming home to my son and my wife. I love seeing them and having them with me. They are my life and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. But, things have to change. I'm tired of our little rut. I'm tired of not having my wife to really talk to . She's my best friend and confidant. She's my life.

I think that's why I'm looking forward to this trip to the Philippines for a few reasons. Firstly, it'll be time for us to get away from the strains that life's been putting on us. We haven't taken a real vacation since the summer of 2002. Secondly, I think it'll be a good reset to our lives when we come back. Renewal for the new year. Thirdly, we'll get to know more about each other there because we'll see more of the other's family.

Anyway, I'm ready to talk to my wife when she's ready to talk to me. We need to get over this soon. Not just because it's Christmas, but because my son can't have us this way. It's not healthy for him. I know he feels it.

Sweetie, when you do finally read this...

I love you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.

'Cause I said so!