Yes, I know...I haven't blogged in a while. Not much to blog about lately, but I do now. So here goes...
The wife is livid with me again. I can't seem to do right by her. She found cigarettes on our patio, hidden in one of my old shoes. Yes, they're mine. But, I won't consider myself a "smoker". I haven't smoked in years. Even then, it was no more than 2 months. Just couldn't hack it then. But, this time it started in December. We were getting ready for our trip to the Philippines and I'd been stressed out. We were in the middle of a move at work and I'd been trying to figure out how we were going to pay for our plane tickets and have pocket money for the trip. That was affecting my sleeping habits which was, in turn, making me drowsy at the office. NOT GOOD. The thing of it was, though, I didn't want to take No Doz or any pills like that. I was too worried about getting addicted to them. Now, knowing what I did about cigarettes, I decided to give it a try and it did help. After our trip, we got back and Jake was having trouble adjusting to the jet lag which was keeping us both up. I went back to them. Mind you, I wasn't smoking packs and packs. It was always just a few puffs, just to get through the day (that stuff is just way too strong for my asthmatic lungs) and not be sleepy. In fact, the pack she found was the same pack I bought way back in December. Lately, it's just been our routine that's been keeping me up. We get home from my in-laws late. Nobody's fault but ours. But, by the time we get Jake bathed and asleep it's already 11:30 and we still haven't started any of the chores that had to be done. After that's done, I wash up and it's 12:30. Then, I unwind before I sleep and it's 1:30. It's not the healthiest of schedules, I'll agree, but it was working for a while. But, the lack of sleep started creeping up on me. So I went back to the cigarettes until this past week when she found them and called me on it. Yes, it is my fault for smoking. Yes, it is my fault for hiding them. And I am sorry for keeping this from her.
She's also mad at me because I don't take my medicine. Before I started this job, I had to be TB tested. I was, and I am a carrier. My doctor prescribed some medicine to not necessarily prevent TB, but just as a precaution to make sure it doesn't become a problem. It's a course. But, as my usual self, I forget to take it. Well, not really forget, I postpone it indefinitely. "Later," I say. "After this," I say. Well, those "laters" and "after this'" become the next day and the next week and I'm behind in taking them. I think part of my inability to take them is because from the womb I was poked and prodded and was seen by dozens of doctors. As I grew up, I learned to hate medicines and hospitals and doctors. I was scared of them. They always bring pain. Meanwhile, on my wife's side of the family, she grew up with a mother that was a nurse and spent some time growing up in hospitals. At the sign of a fever my mother in law was hooking them up with IVs. To this day she's got boxes of medicine to dispurse at the first sign of a problem. I guess it all boils down to upbringing. I've never been able to get used to doctors and medicines, she's always been surrounded by them.
I haven't been the best of husbands lately. I've got work breathing down my neck because we're preparing for our June rush of teachers and I've got so many things to do to prepare, I've got Jake and all the things that he needs from the both of us, and then our family's needs aside from my own. I haven't been very nice. I'm stressed out. I know my wife has been feeling the same way with her work. We're pushed to our limits and I guess it erupted last night. What happened last night, Jake didn't need to see or hear and I'm disappointed in the both of us that we let it happen. I've been trying since my in-laws came last night, to keep from disrupting his schedule. My wife and I may still be mad at each other, but Jake should never be affected by that.
The past few months have been really difficult on all of us. My sister in law is going through her own issues right now and it's affected all of us. Along with our work and home life, her problems and trying to be there for her has kept us from home as much. It's hard. I want to be there for her and her girls, but at the same time we're trying to maintain our own household. Such a catch-22. Our house is a mess and we complain about it all the time, but she needs us, so we need to be there. I see Candy as my own sister and I know if the tables were turned and it was my sister, my wife would understand my wanting to be there.
My wife is angry that I told my mom and sister about the issues I've been having with her. She's telling me that she should know first. I've been trying to voice them indirectly to her for the past few weeks, trying to get her to help me with some of the chores. I guess I wasn't direct enough. I guess I didn't put it in a way that she would understand. She's afraid that because of what I said, she's lost face with my family. I know my family and I know that it takes so much more than that to affect them. They love her unconditionally because I do. She tells me that she and my sister never really liked each other and have been good at faking it. I need to find out more about this, from both sides. I don't want anybody faking anything especially if it's two of the women that are important to me. I need to have them both get along and like each other...somehow someway.
There are two things that my wife has done through all of this that has hurt me, and I haven't been able to voice it until last night. The first thing is that she says that I'm exactly like my brother-in-law. That is a knife that cuts very deep. I have always put it in my mind since I was a little boy that I would never be that kind of man. My father was that kind of man and I saw how it affected my mother. I'm sure it affected me and my sister too. Luckily my father is a changed man. That was twenty-four years ago. To this day the things that happened so many years ago play a factor in my life and the way I look at my relationship with my wife. I could never do the things he did. I could never put my wife and family in that kind of a position. Today, I see it relived in my sister-in-law and her kids and I know exactly what they're going through. So for my wife to insinuate that I'm exactly like him...those are words that are going to haunt me for a long time. Yes, I may be someone who has kept things from her, that is a problem I'm trying to get past. Yes, I've hurt her because of that and I'm sorry for doing so, it is unintentional. But, to be "lumped" together like that and be labeled that way hurts me. Before last night, it was a few weeks before that she said it to me. I just let it pass then. But, to hear her say it over and over...I don't know. Maybe I am just like them. Maybe I am destined to do that despite my fighting it. Maybe I have no control over it and it's just going to happen whether I like it or not. I certainly hope none of these things happen and I'm still going to fight it. I love my wife and my son too much to do that to either of them. I've worked so hard to keep a good marriage going. I may stumble a lot, but for the most part, things have been good.
The second thing my wife had done that has hurt me is that she's hit me. Last night it was a slap on the arm. The first time, she pounded on my chest. Hard. It wasn't enough to leave a mark or a bruise, but it still hurt a little. I'm a big boy and I've let those things slide, but I look back and know that I could never EVER hit my wife. It isn't even an impulse I'd care to entertain. Part of it is bred into me, you just don't hit anybody. I don't care how provoked I am, I'd rather walk away than hit. I'm a big guy with trained heavy hands and I know the kind of damage I could do. I WOULD NEVER LAY A HAND ON MY WIFE. I'm sure she builds up her anger enough to hit like that, and sometimes I don't blame her for hitting me, sometimes I feel as if I deserve it, but does anybody really deserve to be hit, under any circumstance? How dramatic do those circumstances have to be to warrant the hit? I don't know, I can't do it. It sucks to know that I've pushed her to that extreme.
Through this experience and this fight with my wife, I have learned a few things...
1. I still love my wife, now more than ever because I now know a few new things about her.
2. I hope she still loves me.
3. I'm still human and make mistakes.
4. We haven't been a team in working on our marriage and our relationship. (a must change!!!)
5. I hate hurting my family.
6. I'm growing and changing with our relationship.
7. I need to be more clear in telling her that I have a problem.
8. I need to work harding in taking my medicine.
9. We're still learning about each other and I've got to be more conscious about her and her feelings.
Anyway, I've said a mouthful and she might see something in this blog she's going to read into and take the wrong way or be mad at me again. Hopefully though, she reads it and understands me better instead because of it. We're two different people trying to make a marriage work. Despite these fights I think we're doing a good job. Nobody said being married was easy. Now I know why they say it isn't.
Sweetie...I'm sorry and I love you.
'Cause I said so!
